Tonight I chaired an Alanon meeting. I was not scheduled to chair but neither was anyone else in the room so, in the spirit of step 12, I volunteered. Don't get me wrong, it was not a stretch for me...I don't really mind public speaking and I have no problem being the center of attention, but I did not have a topic in mind and upon request, neither did anyone else.
I asked if anyone had an objection to reading a daily reader for the day....and seeing where it might lead...And that is when my Higher Power stepped in.....No one objected so I picked up my CTC and turned to February 4...hmmmmm what is this...a raffle ticket fell out...ah yes, I remember this, and before I read the page, I share my raffle ticket story with the room...My Higher Power had just provided tonights topic...
The Time Between Then and Now
A Message for Newcomers about Coming Back...
I was so angry that night when I walked into the church basement on Echo Ave. My husband and I were newly "trially" separated. He was what is referred to as a "chronic relapser". He had recently gotten sober...again... and was working a program...again. He had decided that he wasn't sure he wanted to deal with my issues (Imagine the nerve of him to suggest that I might have issues...this wasn't about me, right?). His stand was, that until I started to work a program too, he wasn't going to even talk to me...needless to say, this really pissed me off....after all, didn't he owe me the same considerations that I had shown to him over and over again??? Wasn't I entitled to be forgiven over and over again??? Hadn't I earned, over and over again, the priveledge of a "do-over". After all, wasn't this all his fault???...yet somehow he felt it would be OK to leave it to me to clean up this mess too? I was justifiably enraged!!!...wasn't I?.... It was clear to everyone else around me that my anger was becoming unmanageable! If only I could see it.
We had just had a huge argument that ended with me shouting "FINE!" and slamming my flip phone in his ear....does that even make any sense???! Slamming a flip phone?!
Anyway....his last remark had been to "suggest" I go to a meeting. So, that is what I did...
I walked in and sat down in one of the cold metal folding chairs. I was late and did not witness the introductions and the details of everyone's sharing escape me now, but what I can remember quite clearly still is what the topic was.....anyone care to take a stab at it??? .....ANGER! That's right...ANGER!
My Higher Power took that moment in time to hand me my very first key and I left the meeting that night taking 2 things with me... The first was a clearer understanding of the undeniable connection between ANGER and emotional pain....and knowledge is, after all, power.... The second was a wonderful little journal that I had been lucky enough to win in the raffle.
The journal was 5x7 inches and the cover was a sepia toned photograph of 2 young girls with their curly locked heads tilted together in the throes of conspiratorial giggling...you all know the one I mean....Inexpensive and made from recycled paper....and I couldn't wait to get home and fill it up! I felt that it was a sign that I was truly where I was meant to be. All of my troubles were going to be over!
When I got home that evening, I tucked the raffle ticket into Mom's ODAT (which she had kindly allowed me to have..."...after all, she and my alcoholic father had divorced years ago, so she didn't need Alanon anymore, right?) between the pages of February 3rd and February 4th, and then I made the first of what I was certain would be many entries into that little journal.....I felt awesome! Ah but...alas...this too shall pass...
Truth be told...it didn't last long, how could it when I had hung so heavy an expectation on it??? I only continued going to Alanon until his next relapse...less than 6 meetings into my treatment and it was over...Why bother? It didn't keep him from drinking so it must not work...and furthermore...if he wasn't gonna work a program then why should I? It was virtually the same argument he had made to me, wasn't it...If he had to have a program, so should I...remember??? He's the one that made the rules...right? He broke them first...all deals off!
But....that little journal came and stayed! It has far fewer entries in it than I had planned on that long ago night, in fact, it has more blank pages than filled ones, yet I can't bring myself to write in it anymore...instead it serves as a reminder to me...a symbol of what I have come to refer to as "The Time Between Then and Now"....I was given a key in that Church basement back in 2002, regrettably, I didn't keep going back long enough to learn how to turn it....Instead, "The Time Between Then and Now" happened.
I returned to Alanon in late September of 2015, 2 1/2 years into my husband's sobriety. In hindsight, I regret ever leaving. I realize that I can do nothing to change what happened during "The Time Between Then and Now", so, instead I am focusing on trying to always be "Here and Now" and to find the happiness in each moment that I am given.
There was a third thing that I recall from that meeting so many years ago....a woman who sat across the room from me was quietly knitting. I did not go back and never learned that woman's name...I had missed the introductions, remember?.....but unless there is another knitter on the circuit, I know now that her name is Toni. And I know this because this time I did the best thing I could've done....I kept coming back....
And for me, well, I'm trying to be a better person on all levels...and I keep coming back every week because every week at least 1 of you passes me a key and shows me how to turn it to unlock some new strategy on how to live a better life and be a better person. You are all helping me get better and for that I thank you.
